About me (full version)
My earliest memory, or memory that I’ve been reminded of at least, in regards to my love of fashion is from the age of 2. I would claim to be an independent child who ‘did not need help picking out her outfits and dressing herself in the morning’ - adamant that I not be told what or how I should wear things. When I went off to school, the theme continued.
My parents would get weekly calls that what I wore was not ‘appropriate’ for the activities that we were participating in (think: dresses and mary-janes when other kids were in sneakers and activewear). After much stubbornness, I finally picked out the only outfit I deemed acceptable to meet the daycare’s criteria – a pair of forest green velvet pants and brown lace up chelsea boots – and never took them off. I loved certain items so much I wore them over and over until I wore them out or grew out of them.
Fast-forward to today. I’m 32, having lived in New York City for almost 10 years. Prior to NYC I spent time living in cities such as Charleston, Miami, Florence, London, and Ibiza - not exactly cities that are shy when it comes to expressing oneself through clothing. I even started my professional career within the fashion and beauty space. My first job in fashion being a Sales Development Manager for a SaaS solution that allowed brands to monitor anything from their sample trafficking to the coordination of physical events (i.e. Fashion Week). Was I having constant panic attacks and burying myself deeper into debt? Yes. But I loved the feeling of belonging and status I felt when I attended New York Fashion Week (NYFW) events, or posted a picture in a new outfit from Zara (all I could afford at the time) at an ‘exclusive after party’ in which I was questioned if the $30 silver flats I found on the sale rack were Prada.
I finally admitted to myself that I was living beyond my means around age 27. I pulled myself out of all of the debt I accumulated while shopping in my early twenties and told myself this time around would be different – but it never was. The more I rose the ranks in my career and earned a higher salary, the more expensive the items I purchased became, and the shopping obsession never slowed down.
At 28 I was laid off from my agency job where I was doing digital marketing for a number of skincare, beauty, Direct-to-Consumer (DTC), and up-and-coming brands. A recruiter approached me a month later about a job at a research and consultancy group supplying data, written analysis, and consultancy advice across the energy value-chain. It was there I discovered my passion and interest in working in climate, specific on energy transition and power & renewables.
Today, and four years into my career in climate – I frequently feel like a fraud. Like I’m adding to a problem I’m also trying to help solve. Although I have drastically limited my fast fashion purchases, muted influencers who fit my ‘aesthetic’ and trigger my credit card use, and mentally, physically, and morally feel wrong every time I hit ‘add to cart’ – I simply can not stop shopping. I say I’ll go 30 days without buying something, and fail day 2. I tell myself ‘as soon as I buy this item, I’m done for the season!’ but never am.
In the beginning of 2023, I started a TikTok where I would rank my clothing based on Good On You’s sustainability ratings, and stopped almost as soon as I started. Was the goal of this account to promote sustainable fashion? How would that work if I was posting a new outfit every day? All of my content ideas ended in the same theme: promoting over consumption. Even though that’s how I’ve personally been living, it constantly feels like it’s wrong.
With all that said, it has slowly become a personal endeavor of mine to learn more about how I can change my habits as a consumer - and if I’m being honest — over-consumer. I’m working with a professional to address the ‘why’ behind this coping mechanism and the rush of dopamine I feel every time a package arrives. I’m reading books, articles, reports, and listening to podcasts on how to change my habits, but I’ll be the first to admit - this is damn hard. Every time I open TikTok or Instagram or walk the streets of New York City I’m reminded of the new trends I don’t yet own. One month I'm against the idea of owning Adidas Sambas, and the next I’m googling where to find them in green suede.
My goal is to be realistic with myself on where to start — such as, I may not own a sewing machine, but I do have a good seamstress. I (personally) may not have the patience to sift through countless vintage stores, but I do have the patience to sift through resell websites while unwinding at home.
I still love expressing who I am through clothes. Clothing is not only a creative outlet, but the first impression we give off to others - something my Capricorn sun and Leo rising identifies with closely. Basically, I’m not even close to being the pinnacle of sustainability, and I don’t know if I ever will be - but I’m trying, and hope to share how I’m doing so with this website.